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Tourist Traps I've Visited

I'm convinced that tourist traps are by far the more interesting way to spend a vacation.

Diamond Caverns, Kentucky. Where Mammoth Cave is mostly slab rock, Diamond Caverns is chock full of stalactites and stalagmites but is significantly smaller.

Mammoth Cave, Kentucky. I really wanted to go on more of the cave tours, but my boobs were too big to fit through some of the holes. Then I realized I might develop a serious case of claustrophobia.

The Wilds, Ohio. I hate visiting zoos. They depress me. The Wilds is somewhere between a zoo and a wildlife preserve. It's really quite awesome, but you aren't guaranteed to see all the animals.

Perry's Monument, South Bass Island, Lake Erie. It is big, but was closed for repairs when we visited.

African Wildlife Safari, Ohio. It's all fun and games until the long-horned cattle see that you have carrots and come running up to your car.

Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming/Montana. Dad wouldn't let us hang around to watch Old Faithful erupt. :(

Prehistoric Forest, Ohio. I was pretty bummed to hear this is closing down. I like looking at giant sculptures of dinosaurs.

Cosmos Mystery Area, South Dakota. This is a cool tourist trap (if you've never been in a crooked house before). It's not as much fun the second time through.

Custer's Last Stand, Battle of Little Big Horn, Montana. There's a cool educational building where you learn/buy stuff, then you go outside, walk up a hill, and look at the ground and stare awkwardly at your sibling before deciding to go wait in the car.

Wright Brother's Monument, North Carolina. All I can remember is how much my sandals were hurting my feet and fracking hot out it was. I never made it up that hill.

Crazy Horse Monument, South Dakota. This impressive ginormous monument is just down the road from Mount Rushmore and (to me, because it has a horse) infinitely more interesting.

Mount Rushmore, South Dakota. In the summertime you have to do a lot of legwork to be able to actually see the monument. We were really excited about this one and ended up being extremely underwhelmed. Plus, had we just driven a little further down the road, the trees cleared and you could see them really well from your car.

Everglades Alligator Farm, Florida. I'm not sure whose bright idea this was. It was altogether quite frightening and we ended up getting lost right about dusk.

The Mall of America, Minnesota. An amusement park surrounded by a three-story mall. Also, Lego Sculptures.

Wall Drug, South Dakota. If you're ever driving anywhere near South Dakota, you will definitely see signs for Wall Drug. In fact, you see so many damned signs, that you can't help but stop and browse this ridiculously large drug store. It's all very curious and a good way to stretch your legs.

The Badlands in South Dakota. An amazing place to play, run around, get lost, and eventually die of starvation, injury, or thirst.

The Corn Palace, South Dakota. Don't let this exciting exterior mislead you. This is quite possibly one of the most underwhelming tourist traps.