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Women With Crotch Rot

There are several celebrities that other people seem to find inexplicably attractive when, to me, they appear to have Crotch Rot. This is a condition that is easily diagnosed by the way they look, though I can't really describe what *about* their looks says Crotch Rot to me. This board is an attempt to isolate the Crotch Rot indicators.

No explanation needed.

  • Ben

    Did they ever have to fumigate the building to stop her crotch rot spreading to the walls and becoming wet rot?

Sometimes the Rot can work to someone's advantage. For example, Jane Krakowski's teen Crotch Rot let her play a drug-smoking victim of incest FOR LAUGHS in National Lampoon's Vacation. Any clean 15-year-old actress would have brought a fatal sense of tragedy to the role.

The perpetually unwashed wonky-faced Kate Moss is riddled with the Rot. You might think that perhaps this is Pete Doherty's fault, but his case of Rot is, oddly, mild, and likely to have been acquired from Kate rather than the other way around. Related fun fact: Believe it or not, Amy Winehouse never had any Crotch Rot.

  • Ben

    They tried to make me douche with Lysol, I said no, no, no.

I don't have to explain why Tracey Emin is on the Crotch Rot board, right?

  • Ben

    I totally concur with this one.

Christina Ricci's large forehead indicates a genetic predisposition to Crotch Rot, but she could have headed it off before it became a problem. Sadly her tendency to personal filthiness has allowed the condition to flourish.

Jennifer Garner is another of those who is quite obviously unbathed. She clearly wears deodorant over sweat and uses excessive amounts of dry shampoo, and so her Crotch Rot is obviously acquired.

I'm not exactly sure why Tea Leoni has Crotch Rot, but she definitely does. I do know that the problem with Tea Leoni is that she looks like a wall (as in, she has very flat features) and her teeth are quite rodenty. This indicates to me that her Crotch Rot may well be a genetic condition rather than something she acquired--"good" Crotch Rot, if you will.

The origin of Jennifer Love Hewitt's Crotch Rot are harder to pin down. I think in her case it's the general muscle wastage evident in her sloped shoulders, plus her lack of chin. Actually, given the chin thing, whichs she shares with Eliza Dushku, I'm thinking perhaps their Crotch Rot was a condition that originated in utero and continued through a combination of both genetics and environment.

  • Ben

    She has quite a big, well-defined chin. Have you been touching Helena Bonham-Carter's crotch and then rubbing your eyes without sterilising your hands?

  • cybermango

    She has a chin but it is small in comparison to the rest of her rot-deformed face.

Eliza Dushku first came to my attention in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where her erratic body movements akin to St Vitus Dance first clued me in to her diseased crotch. But I could have equally pointed out that even when she is clean she looks like she needs a shower. I hope she has a ready supply of Balance Activ.

  • Ben

    I am going to review how slow she seems in some old Buffy episodes to check.

  • Ben

    I'd say she's not slow, but does have a touch of the rot.

After Helena Bonham Carter, the next in line to the Queen of Crotch Rot throne is Juliette Lewis. She is shown here in Cape Fear, where she was so slow she actually deserved to die. With Juliette, I believe the problem is her vaguely crossed eyes, her mouth breathing, and her uncoordinated movements, all of which could be caused by a raging infection of some sort.

  • Ben

    I would eat all the rot out of her crotch until it was squeaky clean. It would be like fine truffles to me.

  • cybermango

    You could never eat that much rot. You would rot yourself first.

  • Ben

    How much of a crop can she be storing up there? At most, it would be the size and weight of a roast chicken. I could easily eat a whole roast chicken if it tasted like Juliette Lewis.

  • cybermango

    It is regenerative. It's like rot communion--you could go back every week and there would still be enough for a whole congregation.

  • Ben

    Sounds like it is a valuable untapped resource. Probably full of protein and vitamin B12.

Let's start with Helena Bonham Carter, aka Queen of Crotch Rot. I think her lack of upper lip bow and perpetually nasty hair are the primary Crotch Rot indicators, but it's hard to be sure. I have a friend who assures me that she is fresh as a daisy. He is wrong.