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I hate when this happens..

Sorry you didn't get any likes on the photo you posted of your lunch.

You have a lot of Facebook friends for someone with no friends.

I worry that my children will grow up before I do.

If somebody has to do it, it might as well not be me.

You're the only person I'd take both earbuds out to talk to.

Sorry for the mean, hurtful, accurate things I said to you.

We both look sexier without my glasses on.

If you were a dog you'd be dead by now.

Let's spend the weekend pulling out the winter clothes we put into storage last weekend.

Your passive aggressive response was duly noted and fully expected. Please forgive me for not caring.

Unless you discovered a dead body, I don't want to hear about your morning jog.

I never feel more vulnerable than when someone likes my Facebook picture from three years ago.

I wish CrossFit got your personality in shape as well.

I'm half impressed you ran a half marathon.

The only tough mudder I can brag about involves 25 minutes on the toilet.