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More like this: pack lunch, princess bubblegum and pasty.

Mother Fucking Homemaking

I AM HASHING ALL THE TAGS

I #fucking love #ChristmasLights. BUT! I fucking hate hanging #ChristmasLights. The solution?Cafe-style lights -- 5 nails and #DONE.

I don't like too much tacky shit on the family #tree. That's why my kids get their own damn tree where they can hang whatever fucking monstrosities they see fit. #WEALLWIN

  • Amy Sullens-Bannister

    We have done this for years! Ever since my now 12 yer old with autism was 4 and watched the damn Noodle family decorate their fucking tree. He would CONSTANTLY be redecorating MY tree. Now, both he and his 9 year old brother have a place to hang dodgy, hand made crap, and I'm not screaming, "GET YOUR FILTHY PAWS OFF MY FUCKING TREE!," all holiday season long.

  • Katie Cunningham

    Do that with my kids. The trees are still in their rooms. They hang school artwork on them due to us not having a fridge that works with magnets, and them being hoarders in training.

  • Trudy Bernardini Morgan

    I secretly hate when I can't decorate the tree my self! Lol I'm always second guessing what the kids can place on the tree. Ironically I was looking at 3ft trees for their rooms on line yesterday! Haha

  • Julie Parker

    My brother and I both had our own little trees in our rooms growing up! I had mind decorated with little feathered birds.

I know. Pumpkin patches are really cute. But holy fuck are pumpkins a lot cheaper at Trader Joe's! Bonus: NO FUCKING SCARECROWS. What is their problem, anyway?

#Christmas is fucking great. BUT CHRISTMAS DOESN'T HAPPEN IN SEPTEMBER. Chill the fuck out, #Target. We can buy that crap in December as nature intended.

  • Chelsea Watts

    Costco had Christmas stuff out in August. When it was 95 degrees out. And we were headed to the beach. WRONG!

  • Haley Steagall

    Hobby Lobby seems to start putting their Christmas stuff out as early as July.

  • Adventures in Anderland

    It's ACCEPTABLE for Hobby Lobby, Michael's, Joann's and other craft places to put out Christmas stuff early, they put out all holiday stuff early so that people can get their crafts done in time.

  • Adventures in Anderland

    It's RIDICULOUS to put out Christmas stuff before Halloween, ffs

  • Elizabeth Surton

    BS. Retail moves faster, yes, but if that was the explanation, there would be back-to-school stuff taking over every store in June, and Valentine's Day stuff would go up right after Thanksgiving. It's about trying to get into the black before Black Friday. Stores are hoping to squeeze every cent out of the consumer's Christmas impulse to overbuy and overspend because of some Norman-Rockwell-esque sentimental nostalgia temporarily overriding their rational capacity.

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Okay. I get cloth diapers. They're diapers made out of fucking cloth. Duh. BUT WHY DO CLOTH DIAPERING SUPPORT GROUPS EXIST?! Click the pic to go to my HuffPo article about #clothdiapering.

  • JJ Keith

    I wish I could "like" Pinterest comments.

  • Wynn Anne Sibbald

    I agree with Julie Leahy. It's FUNNY! Seriously, if this offends you, stop following her boards.

  • Renée Layberry

    The whole point of the board is to not take all the hyper-perfectionistic-homemaking-decorating-etc. thing so damn seriously. Guess some folks don't get the joke.

  • Bonnie Riley

    That article is hilarious, with a dose of sad truth. I had to use cloth on all four of my kids because they were allergic to the disposables that were heavily scented with eau-de-poop-cover-up and really quite yucky. Thirty-five years ago, you could smell a Pampers diaper at 20 paces. I have secretly delighted in my kids' angst over cloth vs disposable as they've become parents. The pc bullshit that's come from their mouths regarding the almighty diaper decision has given me more than one secret laugh. I totally get JJ's article.

  • Emily Mac Innis

    I wish I could like comments, too. I almost laughed some screw too wine out if my nose. "...when there's poop everywhere?" Srsly, I wish I had cloth diapered.

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If you never take #party #decorations down YOU NEVER HAVE TO PUT THEM UP AGAIN. #alwaysbelazy #alwaysbejaunty

Put some #books up on your wall and then rotate that shit up SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET TIRED OF LOOKING AT THE SAME PICTURES. (Alternatively captioned: do a better fucking job than me matching paint colors.) #goldenbooks #rainbowumbrellaFTW!

Uses for pumped milk: Feeding a baby AND THAT'S IT

  • Ikam Acosta

    LOL this reminds me of Borat. "My wife made that cheese...from the milk of her teat."

  • Nancy S.

    This just totally made my day. Thank you. I now have to go clean the Coke out of my keyboard.

  • Jane Knox

    powder removal is easy *wink*

  • JJ Keith

    Jane -- you cannot believe how stupid I am. It took me days to get your joke. What is wrong with me? And yeah, I eventually discovered that too. ;-)

Sure, you could get all fancy in the yard or you could eat on a regular fucking #picnictable and pretend that you're camping. #PICNICS ALL THE TIME!

Buy cheap berries that are about to turn, a big tub of plain yogurt and then BAM! You got yourself some badass berry #yogurt.

  • Mama Nervosa

    Hmmm, that sounds like a lot of work.

  • JJ Keith

    I swear it's not! Pull the green bits off, dump in pan, add a buttload of honey and more or less ignore it for ten-ish minutes.

  • Deborah Cohn

    That would work with tiny, too-tart late-season blueberries too!

  • mouse

    after letting it sit, pour into popscicle molds :) best popscicles ever!

Do one less #bullshitchore in the morning and pack shelf-stable #lunch items a week in advance into one of them plastic stacky boxes from #Target or wherethefuckever.

  • Rhiannon Giles

    I do one up. I pack my whole week's worth of lunch and just take up a whole drawer in the fridge at work. Nobody puts stuff in the drawers anyhow, so I take over.

  • Your Mama Dresses Funny

    I'm fairly certain I am in love with you. Best pinterest board EVER.

  • Emily Mac Innis

    Does anyone know where to get boxes like these that are fucking food safe? Because that would be extra awesome, like a pedicure in your sleep. Or, just sleep.

My kids can polish off a jar of pickles in a sitting, so we started making our own. Turns out #pickles, or at least #refrigeratorpickles, are #easyfuckingpeasy: boil water, spice and vinegar; dump the liquid on the cukes; then stuff those mofos in a fucking #masonjar and in a week you have yourself some cheap-ass pickles.

  • Leah Chibe

    I think garlic needs a lot longer to give up its garlic flavor for a little pickle flavor. I adore pickled garlic but it needs months, not weeks. Plus side: you'll forget about it then clean out the fridge and bam, surprise snack!

  • Missy Pants

    Leah, yeah, I brine mine at least two weeks, and then eat them over a month or so, the garlic gets eaten last (sometimes in martinis, jus' sayin') so at least 4-6 weeks for the garlic. But the pickles are good to go after 10 days. :)

  • JJ Keith

    Thanks Missy. I will try that now. And Leah, I like the way you think.

  • Leah Chibe

    PICKLED GARLIC IN MARTINIS *faints from happiness*

  • Gill Burdis

    This is getting scarily like homemaking. I'm still going to buy mine.

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My bathroom is small as FUCK so I keep hair shit in #IKEA magnetic spice tins attached to an Ikea Knife Rack and my face shit in a Boon Stash AND THEN MY CRAP IS FUCKING TENABLE. #icanfindshit

#IKEA is my mothership. I EVEN LIKE TO ASSEMBLE SHIT!

They can't all be Nadia. (I NEED SOME FUCKING CURRENT GYMNASTICS REFERENCES.)

  • Katie Edwards

    Try Gabby Douglas or Aly Raisman. :)

  • Mama Nervosa

    Gabby Douglas!

  • JJ Keith

    Oh, right! How could I have forgotten Gabby Douglas! Dur. Thank you. I guess I also could've googled, but, well, you know...

  • Mama Nervosa

    Yeah, that'd require effort ;). I mean you already added text to a pic, you've done enough! :)

  • Rachel Martin

    i think if you just use "dominique" that covers a whole bunch of them...

If you pay someone to carve a fake #pumpkin for you, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. (Thanks @Susanna ) #Halloween #IncrediblyFuckingStupid

Why aim for perfect WHEN YOU CAN BE FUCKING ADEQUATE?

The #gym is okay BUT SO IS THE GREAT FUCKING #OUTDOORS.

It's that fucking easy.

You could spend an afternoon in the kitchen shoving purees in an ice cube tray OR YOU COULD JUST FUCKING MUSH UP AN #AVOCADO. Bam! Fuckin' #homemadebabyfood

  • Angel

    I've been guilty of mashing an avocado up in the middle of a motherfucking restaurant. ;) Yes, one I brought with me.

  • Elizabeth Surton

    I just slice it up and hand it to the kid. Yes, avocados are slippery fucking devils, but learning to eat problematic food gracefully (or at least effectively) is totally a skill. Plus, I'm using my time to feed ME, kid, your hands work fine.

  • Linda Zelmanski

    i use to mash a potatoe that way and add some milk

  • Amanda Gray

    I'm dying at the comments lol

  • Mary McBride

    I can't believe you can use the (F)Word in the same sentence with babyfood . What class !

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