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'Bless your heart,' is Southern for Kiss my ass.

I find myself incredibly attracted to you. You must be a huge asshole!

Ever tried putting a cat in water? That is some SCARY shit.

Ecards! 8-11-13 | EpicGasm

Crazy bitch! Lmao, I have come across many crazy bitches!

Can you tell me if there is a pill for beach separation anxiety! I feel a big case of it coming on real soon!

Coffee and wine are like my life coaches. Coffee is there for a pat on the ass, 'Go get'em we can do this!' And then wine is like, 'You'll get them tomorrow. You gave it a good shot. Keep your chin up.'

Dad, thanks for loving me just enough so I didn't become a stripper and constantly need the attention of a man. Happy Father's Day!

Happy Friday the 13th...Watch out for hockey-masked murderers, black cats, drunk hobos and sneaky bitches.

My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

One girls piece of shit ex-boyfriend is another drunk sluts prince charming. Funny every time.

Funny Quotes About Nosey People | mind your own business | Tumblr

i'm planning on having my favorite drink this weekend. it's called a lot.

I can think of a couple people this works for!!