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Hey Mr. Impatient, how about you go down a water slide while it isn't wet. Maybe then you'll understand why foreplay is so important.

Love Coupon: Good for one romantic night on the town where I'll drink too much and you'll drive us home.

Love Coupon: Good for watching a movie of your choice which I'll pretend to be too manly to enjoy.

Funny Teacher Week Ecard: Lets play school! Ill pretend to be a teacher analyzing disaggregated student data, and you can pretend to be a student taking a standardized test!

Dear wife, Congratulations on being a mother. I'll be in the garage while your baby's crying. Love, husband.

My voicemail msg should say: You know good & well Im not gonna answer...so please hang up and text. I dont do phone calls... | Confession Ecard | someecards.com

I’m deactivating my Facebook account so I can spend more time judging my friends in person.

I don't work on Fridays, I make appearances.

Id date you so hard, then marry the shit out of you.