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I'm calling in sick today because Web MD clearly stated I was dying.
I have officially eaten all of the kids' Halloween candy... Well, except the stuff I don't like... I'm saving that shit for emergencies...
Check out my gym schedule: 1 Monday= Weights 2. Tuesday= Bike ride 3. Wed= Cardio 4. Thurs= 10 year break, repeat.
You won't need sex working here. We f**k you enough.
@Sadie Coenen oh god
Oh darling, when you said you had a small gift for me, I thought you were going to unzip your pants.
I don't need you.... One asshole in my pants is quite enough.
You've got enemies? good, that means you stood up for something in your life.
I'm not grumpy in the morning. I'm just very selective with my kindness.
When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It's difficult only for others. It's the same when you're stupid.
My magic watch says you don't have any underwear on. Oh, you do? It must be 15 minutes fast.
Sometimes I fantasize about a world where I'm in charge. Chocolate makes you skinny and everything is always 75% off!
Don't even think about putting your hand over my mouth to silence me. I will so wet lick you.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
LOL!! This is great!! Love it!!
During sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles. Who the f**k runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
He said 5 minutes at least ;-)
No he said 5 MILES!!
Kids today... I swear they just can't figure shit out on their own. It's like they need a YouTube video to show them how to wipe their ass.
@Julie Shepard hahaha weren't we just thinking this the other day?!?!
I love you like a dirty back-alley prostitute loves crack.
We need to start branding people like cattle... stupid, Ignorant, asshole, etc. It sure would save the rest of us a lot of time and headaches!
Dear Sweetheart, I have been feeling really dirty lately. Please do me. Love, Dishes
I'm not angry that you called me a Bitch, I'm just sad that you're stupid and lack the creativity to call me anything else, you knuckle-dragging inbred swamp cunt.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
It's funny how you preach not to Judge Others and you're usually the first one to Judge.
Sometimes it physically hurts me to keep all this sarcasm to myself.
This Halloween I'll be hanging cobwebs on the exterior of house so it matches the interior.
Many people would be scared if they saw their character in a mirror and not their face.
I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the second week I have no idea.