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Your constant swearing and lack of real words is a direct reflection of you intelligence.

Every time you say Cray Cray you sound like a dumb dumb.

I accidentally opened the fitness app and my smart phone called to report itself stolen.

You are welcome for your Birthday hangover! It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Some might call it nagging. I call it Just listen to what I said the first time.

Thank God there's no shortage of twenty-somethings out there to keep us informed of everything we're doing wrong.

Facebook reminds me of going to a public restroom... You never know when you're going to be surprised by someone else's shit.

I'm sure lots of people like you dear, but I'm NOT one of them.

you're sad because she's gone...but I be like... YES..more for me..

Don't make me get my Wire hanger!

i act like i don t give a f**k but deep down , i really still don t give a f**k

I farted....That is as close to me giving a shit as you're gonna get.

A good bottle of wine and good friends are the perfect blend.

I wish I had half the confidence of fat chicks in tube tops.

If I didn't drink, how would my friends know I love them at 2 AM?

I've noticed that you have a hard time laughing at yourself... that's where I come in.

The only math I'm good at is adding insult to injury.

The only reason I would run with scissors, is if the bitch I was trying to stab was running too.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine you make me hap...nah, that's the Xanax nevermind.....

I saw the most beautiful moving painting at the art gallery the other day, But then I realized that was a mirror!