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Let's be completely honest. You're not popular..... your vagina is.

I have no words to describe this day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.

You can consider me to be your biggest fan... And I keep rooting for you to disappear.

If you were in my novel, I'd have thrown you down the basement stairs by now.

WOW! You blocked me on Facebook... how will I go on without you in my LIFE? Wait...I don't give A F**K!

I hope you're aware How much I dig you.

You can tell yourself that you're in charge... But everyone knows that I'm really the shit.

I DON'T ALWAYS COACH FOOTBALL... BUT WHEN I DO... IT'S USUALLY THRU FACEBOOK POSTS!!

What it feels like Trying to find a job on Craigslist.

Honey, I'd like to go over Your internet history with you.

A wise man once told me, no matter how HOT she is, somebody somewhere is sick of her.

I'm pretty sure my prayers go directly to God's spam folder.

Dear friends: I have finally realized that "only way" to lose weight from green tea is, if you go to the mountain and pick it yourself.

Some people have relationships and some people have vodka.

Feel free to put me in your will. The only thing I want you to leave me is alone.

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

Dear Mom and Dad, When I lie to you, it's for your own good.

Couples that call each other "babu" and "jaanu" make all single people in the entire universe feel glad they're not dating.

When you don't laugh at my jokes I just assume that you're not up to my level of comedy.

It's good to see that you periodically take a break from saying stupid shit. After all, everyone has to sleep sometime.

I'm not inappropriate.... I prefer to think of it as, radical honesty.

We pretend to work here because they pretend to pay us.

I don't call my bathroom the John. I call it Jim so I can say I went to the Jim first thing in the morning.

I thought he was going to be my prince. Turns out he was the prince of f**king darkness.

Sometimes I use big words I don't know the meaning of so I sound more perpendicular.