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No, no, no, I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.

Well, grandpa, better treat her right...

Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. I saw this on Pinterest. Some E-Cards.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 5 years in a row!!! I should get an achievement for that!

A bunch of my friends are coming over this evening to play on their phones. Some E-cards...

We're friends. You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge, I get on my boat and save your retarded ass. Some E-cards.

May you live twice as long as Michael Jackson and be half as creepy. Some E-cards.

Seems like you have a case of being a little bitch. I'm prescribing you a heavy dose of man the fuck up. Some E-cards.

No, no, I'm still listening. That was just the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard. Some E-cards.

I'm appalled that the free service that I am in no way obligated to use keeps making changes that mildly inconvenience me. Some E-cards.

Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'Like' my own status? Of course I like my status, I'm fucking hilarious, and sexy. Some E-cards.

Oh look, it's snowing outside. I'll update my status for all of my friends that don't have a window of their own. Some E-cards.

How to know you've picked a good one. I don't ask much. Just treat me like a lady and fuck me like a whore. Some E-cards.

And in this figure you can clearly see all the fucks I give. Some E-cards.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it is probably shit. Some E-cards.