He called social services and reported you for child abuse and neglect. Oh, look! He has your summons!
Pole dancing is not appropriate for young children. Elf does not care.
By all means, clock him in the fight for goodness!
Good luck buying Christmas presents for your kids now!
Clearly, it's a very bad idea to leave your wallet with your credit cards on the dresser while you sleep.
OK, obviously Elf has an underwear fetish. But by all means, you bring one into your house! I'm sure the kids' therapy won't cost all that much.
So your kid gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and what’s waiting there for him? An elf with a freaking RAZOR! This thing makes the Boogey Man look like Mary Poppins!
You didn't know the Elves had their own mafia, did you? Well, here you go. The work of a professional hit elf. Nothing is sacred. Not even other elves.
What the HELL kind of drug turns urine this color? Santa should start doing random drug tests. I wouldn't want to be around when Elf starts tripping on whatever that was.