I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.
Congratulations on successfully performing a basic task of life which the rest of the world performs daily and without expectation of praise.
I wish cake went straight to my boobs.
You are one stack of shit away from an episode of hoarders.
Since it's difficult to infer tone in an email, you should assume all mine are sarcastic or bitchy.
I wonder if the women who plan their unrealistic weddings on Pinterest will plan their realistic divorces on Pinterest.
I would delete you off of my facebook friends list, but then you wouldn't be able to see all the fun things I do without you.
Vote like your lady parts depend on it.
Sorry you live in a state that considers gay marriage more harmful than tobacco.
My door is always open if you ever want to talk about how you can get the fuck out of my office.