I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.

I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.

Congratulations on successfully performing a basic task of life which the rest of the world performs daily and without expectation of praise.

Congratulations on successfully performing a basic task of life which the rest of the world performs daily and without expectation of praise.

You are one stack of shit away from an episode of hoarders.

You are one stack of shit away from an episode of hoarders.

Since it's difficult to infer tone in an email, you should assume all mine are sarcastic or bitchy.

Since it's difficult to infer tone in an email, you should assume all mine are sarcastic or bitchy.

I wonder if the women who plan their unrealistic weddings on Pinterest will plan their realistic divorces on Pinterest.

I wonder if the women who plan their unrealistic weddings on Pinterest will plan their realistic divorces on Pinterest.

I would delete you off of my facebook friends list, but then you wouldn't be able to see all the fun things I do without you.

I would delete you off of my facebook friends list, but then you wouldn't be able to see all the fun things I do without you.

Sorry you live in a state that considers gay marriage more harmful than tobacco.

Sorry you live in a state that considers gay marriage more harmful than tobacco.

My door is always open if you ever want to talk about how you can get the fuck out of my office.

My door is always open if you ever want to talk about how you can get the fuck out of my office.

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