You're so hard on yourself. Take a moment. Sit back. Marvel at your life. At the grief that softened you. At the heartache that wisened you. At the suffering that strengthened you. Despite everything, you still grow. Be proud of this.
"She was the most beautiful, complicated thing I'd ever seen. A tangled mess of silky string. And all I wanted of life, was to sit down cross-legged and untie her knots." - Atticus, 'Knots and Strings'