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Hilarious Husbands


Hilarious Husbands

  • 20 Pins

Teen Talk: Help! Am I Supposed To Like The New Taylor Swift Album?

Am I Supposed To Like The New Taylor Swift Album?

absrdcomedy.com

My wife yelled at me to put the milk back. It was empty, but I still put it back. I'm sure I'll get in trouble for that as well. - by Jeff Dwoskin

My wife was yelling that the "coats are off the hook." I thought she was saying how awesome the coats r but in fact they were on the floor. - by Jeff Dwoskin

"I'm the one that rings the doorbell!" --My dad wearing a funny hat & misquoting Breaking Bad - by Jeff Dwoskin

I set one appliance on fire & suddenly I'm not allowed to make chocolate chip cookies any more. - by Jeff Dwoskin

My wife said the kitchen looks like an explosion went off in it. All I saw was an empty pizza box on the counter & it wasn't even a large. - by Jeff Dwoskin

"Either this stethoscope is broken or you're dead." --My daughter, who will obviously not be a doctor, trying to hear my heartbeat - by Jeff Dwoskin

My Eye Doctor just called me old. He said "u need multi-focal contacts" but all I heard was "you're old." - by Jeff Dwoskin

Nothing sexier than watching your wife prepare u breakfast in a full sweatsuit ensemble mumbling something about how dirty the house is. - by Jeff Dwoskin

"Enjoying your day off?" - what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas. - by Jeff Dwoskin

12 Angry Men in a long line at a Deli that seems to be moving slower than normal (does anyone work here?) #IfTheMovieWereJewish - by Jeff Dwoskin

Is the government back open? I can't tell the difference. - by Jeff Dwoskin

Wife gave me kiss for the stand mixer I bought her. If I knew I'd only get a kiss Costco would still have 1 more stand mixer on its shelves. - by Jeff Dwoskin

Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar w/a bent corner? - by Jeff Dwoskin

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours. - by Jeff Dwoskin

If the Detroit bankruptcy was an episode of the Brady Bunch, the kids would just enter a talent show where the 1st prize was $18 billion. - by Jeff Dwoskin

I was supposed to give you the day off sex AND buy you a Mothers Day present?

You are always there to take care of us! Thats why this Mothers Day I hope no one gets sick.

Star Wars. Parenting done right.

My husband, comedian. www.jeffisfunny.com; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGR-VrToay8; www.twitter.com/bigmacher