you're so hard on yourself. take a moment. sit back. marvel at your life: at the grief that softened you, at the heartache that wisened you, at the suffering that strengthened you. despite everything, you still grow. be proud of this.
It's a shame really... that our trust is so low we have to be prepared "just in case". Because no matter how much we love or care people don't seem to reciprocate that and we know it. Which keeps us from truly loving and living; it's a vicious circle.