Your heart is telling you to join a monastery. In a monastery, you have specific time alone to think about life and what you hope to receive from it. In a monastery, you can think beyond what you learn and connect with god in a way that can show you how much you've been missing, while not at a monastery. Piece of mind is important to have, yet difficult to obtain without help from your brothers and god.
I can't believe tomorrow marks 2 months since you've been gone. I miss you so much & I think about you every day. We should have had more time together. Life is so not fair. I know you are at peace but it is so hard to be here without you. I lost a huge part of me when you left. My life will never be the same.
One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone. And do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, tomorrow is never promised, so make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering. Happiness is a journey, just as life is. Enjoy the ride.