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    If you can't remember if you finished your coffee then you need more coffee.

    Kindly redirect your moral outrage to someone who gives two shits.

    I'm obsessed with trying not to worry about things.

    I'm trying to be awesome today but I'm exhausted from being so freaking awesome this weekend!

    I'm not angry, I'm just happiness challenged.

    Prescription drugs are the reason I'm "always so nice, wonderful,patient and easy to work with."

    I'm planning on avoiding embarrassing tan lines by strictly sticking to indoor activities.

    I'm dizzy from ridingyour bi-polar coaster

    Every time I say, "Life can't get more fucked up than this," Life replies..."Challenge Accepted."

    Dear life,When I asked if my day could get worse, it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.

    I'm worried that my guardianangel is a crack head

    why must I love cheese.. and bread.. and cheesy bread

    I try not to worry about the future - so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.

    I am not anxious. I am just extremely well educated about all the things that can go catastrophically wrong.

    They should put more wine in a bottle....So there's enough for two people.

    My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge & a crunch...It's called lunch!

    If your goal today was to be an absolute train wreck,you succeeded.

    As soon as this day is over I'm having a nervous breakdown.I've worked for it, I deserve it and no one is going to keep me from it!

    Congratulations. You have been in the room ten seconds and already annoyed me three times.

    But I don't want to go back to work.Can't I just win the lottery and use that money for good.Like happy hours and vacations.

    I was going to take over the world. But then I saw something shiny.

    In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following:Punch a Coworker Monday, No Pants/Shirt Tuesday, Drunk at Work Wednesday, and Call in Sick Thursday.

    You there Friday!You sexy son of a bitch, welcome back! We've been looking for you since Monday

    PISSTIFIED (adj): 1. The stateof being equal parts angryand bewildered. 2. Hybridword that summarizes youremotions when you'repissed-off and mystifiedat the same time.

    It's Throat Punch Thursday! You don't need a talking camel to tell you how this works