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    Summer has snuck up once again on me and my giant ass.

    What a lovely winter we're having this spring....

    I'm jazzhandsing on the inside.

    If we didn't have humor at work, what would we have? Ulcers. We'd have ulcers.

    Careful not to trip over my amazingness; it’s everywhere.

    Don't mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.

    I'm sad when my food is over.

    I drink because I care ..... Or, at the very least, it makes it easier for me to fake it ....

    There's nothing sexier than you offering me wine without me having to ask. Unless you say it slowly... ...& with your pants off.

    There cannot be a stressful crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

    I really don't care, I'm just going to smile and nod until you shut up.

    If I was dating myself, I would surprise myself with Starbucks every morning and it would be adorable.

    What do you mean by, "I can't believe you drank that whole bottle of wine by yourself?!" What else are you supposed to do once it's opened?

    Is it just me or does orange juice taste funny without vodka?

    Some people don't know just how close they are to getting shanked.

    I couldn't major in comedic relief so i chose professional badass instead.

    Let's leave on our lunch break and not come back.

    Fine, we'll compromise. I'll get my way & you'll find a way to be okay with that.

    Again I am in public and cannot respond appropriately to our conversation.

    Take your time, absurdly indecisive Redbox patron. I'll be here; pretending to be interested in the drugstore's brick layout, while we both freeze to death.

    We can only be friends if you are kind of a bitch. Not a full blown bitch, because that's no fun. And if you're not a bitch at all, that won't work either. A halfway bitch. Those are my kind of people.

    Getting remarried tells me you're a slow learner.

    You and I are absolutely perfect for other people.

    You're the type of horrible, gossipy bitch I'd like to invite to be my new best friend.

    I'd be up for drinking enough to tolerate sex with you tonight.