This so cracks me up!  Especially the "I just laid an egg" part!

This so cracks me up! Especially the "I just laid an egg" part!

This is mean but I think everyone has at least one person in their life that if they caught fire it would take a minute or so to choose between a bucket of water or the bag of marshmallows. Or in my case choosing between water and a can of gasoline :)

My bathing suit told me to go to the gym, but my sweat pants were like 'nah girl, you're good'.

My bathing suit told me to go to the gym, but my sweat pants were like 'nah girl, you're good'.

I'm not anti-social.  I'm selectively social.  There's a difference.

I'm not anti-social. I'm selectively social. There's a difference.

Actually, it's because I have old injuries from dance that makes it hurt to run, but this is a much more dramatic excuse.  Anybody want to go to aqua aerobics with me instead?

Actually, it's because I have old injuries from dance that makes it hurt to run, but this is a much more dramatic excuse. Anybody want to go to aqua aerobics with me instead?

One day my patience will run out, and I will punch you in the face. Very Hard.

One day my patience will run out, and I will punch you in the face. Very Hard.

Every time I get the urge to clean.. I watch Hoarders.. and I decide my house isn't that dirty after all!

Every time I get the urge to clean.. I watch Hoarders.. and I decide my house isn't that dirty after all!

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