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Pretty sure roughly 1/3 of my life has been spent standing in the middle of the room wondering what I came in here for.

When I offer you chips and try to hand you the bag, what I really mean is I'm done and want you to put them away.

Sometimes success is just getting the laundry into the dryer before the mildew sets in.

i mean, it's funny, but is it funnier that i'm married, pregnant, and thinking grad school for a second time sounds nice?

I'm pretty sure you don't know what you're talking about. But please, continue.

Nothing feels worse than the intense pang of terror you feel when you can't understand what a caller is saying, even though you know they are speaking English.

lol. I always said, "There'd better be BLOOD!" :)

Sometimes it hurts physically to hold in my sarcastic comments. | Confession Ecard | someecards.com

Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?

Time out is supposed to last for as many minutes as you have years. My time out is 43 minutes. It's glorious.

Funny Workplace Ecard: Today was an absolute Shit Show!

Modern family