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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.