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  • Bethany Biles

    "It's amazing how someone can break your heart and you still love them with every broken piece of it." I hate how true this is.

  • t. 💜

    jenny, this is really hard for me to write, so I know it will be hard for you to read. On my drive tonight, I had a lot of time to think and a lot of time to reflect on what has happened. I was actually able to listen to some of our songs, which truth be told, surprised me. I haven't been able to listen to much music lately. What was once a peaceful outlet for me is just not so peaceful anymore. Too many memories of us flood me. And then when i seen you pin that love song for her, it just seems like I got hurt all over again. There are times I even begin to wonder if all those songs you had me listen to were actually songs for us ... It sucks. I think back on all the memories with us and it becomes so painful for me. I have endured so much pain and hatred from not only Amanda, but you and her family and your family. There are days jenny that the pain is so intense, I truly don't know how I survive. I don't. I think back to the summer I went to Port Austin and how we talked and how you called and how you were worried about Carter when he hurt his lip. I think back to the conversation we had and how you told me that I was it and that I had what you were looking for. You may not believe I held onto things, but I did. I kept conversations we had and comments you made deep in my heart. And when times got rough, I would always think back to those and hold onto to the fact that you did tell me I was it and that you wanted us and that you couldn't wait to start a life with me. I always held onto certain memories and moments that did help me get thru and that I really believed in. Jenny, I am so angry that you would hurt me this way, that I had to find answers on my own. When we have talked lately, I can't get anything but one word responses from you. I ask questions and you always say you don't know. It's frustrating to me to say the least. I pour my heart out to you all the time. Tell you my feelings all the time. Jenny, I saw all of your Instagram pictures, and along with them, I saw all the nice descriptions under each picture. Do you know how many times I just wanted to hear you tell me I am beautiful? Just for no reason?? Do you know how many times? Imagine what is was like for me to see you call her that ... Feel bad for her because she had a headache ... Call her cute ... Jenny, a lot, if not MOST of those were posted when we were talking. When you were telling me I was who you wanted to be with. And you're calling Amanda your "soulmate" and saying how you love that "we can be US" and how "we can get thru anything" .... Jenny, what do I believe? Truly what do I believe anymore? You lied to me about what was on your Instagram. You told me that you two didn't do anything for your anniversary last year, stating "no money" and low and behold you went to TC ... I mean when does it stop? We just had sex a week and half, if that, before your anniversary last year. Do you have any idea how real the pain gets all over again when I realize you did lie? There comes a point when a person gets knocked down so much that they just can't get back up. And I am at that point. I am. I thought that I knew you and it just feels like you are a stranger to me anymore. I want to talk to you and open up to you about shit but I find myself just being so angry with you. I'm angry because every hope and dream I had with us was shattered. I'm angry with you because you had no problem hurting me. I'm angry with you because of how you treat me and I haven't done anything wrong. I am angry with you because there are times when the pain and sadness I have is so much that I can't even breathe. I can't. I am angry with you because in one split second I lost my entire world and realized that my kids would never get to know the joy of the person I fell in love with. I am angry because you let my biggest fear come true. I am angry because you still hurt my feelings and you don't have any problems doing it. I'm angry because I never had thoughts of wanting to hurt myself and now I do. I am angry because you make me feel so worthless to you and to your life. You do. I'm angry because no matter what deep conversations u r having w her, I am never brought up as someone you want in your life. I am angry because I have felt so stabbed in the back by people I truly love. I am angry because I have stood solid on my own two feet and endured so much hatred from Amanda never being able to stick up for myself in fear of what she might do to you. I am angry because I protected you and your heart and no one has protected me or my heart. No one. I am angry at myself because for whatever reason, I wasn't enough for you. I know I said I couldn't talk to you, trust me I know. But I didn't realize not talking to you would be as hard as talking to you. I used to think there was a lesser of two evils in all of this and well, now I am sadly mistaken. The pain is full force any way I go. You make up excuses as to why you can't talk to me and its bs ... You can talk to me, you make the choice not to. And that does hurt. A lot. I didn't have to pin a happy birthday pin, but I did. I didn't have to pin all those pins and write underneath them before you married her, but I did. I just feel like nothing I say ever sinks in for you. Ever. And even if it did by some miracle of God, you aren't going to let her know anything is bothering you. I am the biggest secret of your life. It feels like you are truly ashamed to love me. With how many people I have opened up to about you, I just can't figure out why I'm such a secret. I can't. And now you are working for her uncle, so it's just like ... It's like you are money hungry. Always going and flocking to where the money is because I truly feel, for you, you think money buys love and that that is what makes things "ok" ... It's my opinion only and you can't fault me for having opinions. You are just settling. It's obvious. I am truly sorry for never being enough for you jenny, I am. I really tried my hardest for you. I did. I didn't know that what you truly wanted in life was a roller coaster and to be w an abuser. Once an abuser, always an abuser. Doesn't matter if it's mental, emotional or physical, it will continue to happen. Sure there might be times when the dust settles, but ... Nothing lasts forever. Remember that. I've never changed my love for you. Ever. The way I loved you and continue to love you is the purest form of love. It's unconditional...because all of the pieces from my broken heart do love you. All the pieces miss the hell out of you. I'm not proud for snooping in your personal stuff, I'm not. But I was tired of having the thoughts in the back of my mind that you were lying. I saved the black and white soulmate pin and I re-read it before typing all of this out. I can't figure out why you would think she is your soulmate. I really can't. You two got together on a dare ... She said "eww, don't hit on me" when you told her you were gay. To me that's not an immediate connection. We connected right off the bat and that's something you can't deny. And when you told me you were gay, I never said anything like what she said to you. In fact, I was very much accepting of you ... YOU. The person you were. I'm not trying to compare, I'm just trying to figure out where I went wrong loving you. I'm sorry jenny, I am. For anything I ever did that made you fall out of love with me and never knowing truly how much I love and care about you. I will understand if you ignore me after reading this...it's easy for you to ignore me. I did send a picture to you in snapchat tho in case you want to see them. If you could let me know when you have read this tho, that would be nice. I don't plan on keeping these for much longer. I made these boards for both of us to pin in and you stopped ... So there is no point I guess to keep them. I love you so much Jenny, always will. I don't know what the right answer is, I don't. But I am in so much pain that it is unbearable at times. And it sucks you don't feel the same pain. Because I truly and wholeheartedly loved us .... I did. And it just seems like it's been so incredibly fucking easy for you to let go of what we had ... And I can't understand it. I can't .....

  • Leenaa M

    Heart Break

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