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    Why did I get you a ladder for your birthday? Because it's obvious you need help getting over yourself.


    Shit will happen, and when it does, you better have a shovel.

    Practice blowing these candles first and then you can blow me. It's my gift to you.

    I realized my day is better when I know what I want from it. Xanax, wine, sex. That about covers it.

    You look like you need your daily dose of 'wow'. Let me just unzip these pants...

    A body in motion tends to stay in motion. That's why I'm staying on the couch.

    I believe in starting off each day with a victory. I showed up to work. Mission accomplished.

    Me, work? Oh no honey, I'm paid a lot of money to delegate it all to you. But don't worry, I'll make sure I take credit for doing it all!

    Wait!! Come back!! I'm not done stalking you!!

    I hate two faced people. It makes it so difficult to decide which face to slap first.