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I feel a spree coming on, but will it be shopping or killing?

Playing dead. You made him cry

Please cancel my subscription... I've had enough of your issues.

Separation Anxiety isn't funny - it's a serious behavioral disorder, that often results in injury to the dog (broken teeth & nails, and in extreme cases, dogs that jump through plate-glass windows can fracture bones or even die) &/or extensive property damage . Fortunately, anxiolytic medications & behavior modification training are usually effective.

"You say you'll be here between noon and five?" ... "Great, I'll be sure to pay mybill sometime between May and July!!" - This is how it should work.

If you fart loudly in public, just yell 'JET POWER!' and walk faster.

For some reason this did indeed make me laugh out loud

Anyone know when Pinterest is sending us our W-2's?

Yes, I know you're jealous. Not only can I cook, but I'm pretty enough to not feel the need to post slutty pictures on my facebook.