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I don’t mind the ebola quarantine half as much as the clashing HAZMAT Suit and boots

I don’t mind the ebola quarantine half as much as the clashing HAZMAT Suit and boots

When you start to believe in  your own hype, you already  drink the Kool-Aid sweetened

When you start to believe in your own hype, you already drink the Kool-Aid sweetened

Sometimes you stick a fork in it because it's done....other times, you stick a spoon in it because it's delicious

Sometimes you stick a fork in it because it's done.other times, you stick a spoon in it because it's delicious

It takes 43 muscles to frown, and 17 muscles to smile.... And a combnation 60 muscles  to successfully perform  ‘Swan Lake’in the  bathroom

It takes 43 muscles to frown, and 17 muscles to smile. And a combnation 60 muscles to successfully perform ‘Swan Lake’in the bathroom

When you kick a  snow angel in the nuts, there’s no evidence at the crime scene

When you kick a snow angel in the nuts, there’s no evidence at the crime scene

When I bask in the warmth of life, it’s usually called:  “The Silent Treatment”

When I bask in the warmth of life, it’s usually called: “The Silent Treatment”

When struggling with the futile absurdity of man’s fate, I always find solace in the Playdoh Fun Factory

When struggling with the futile absurdity of man’s fate, I always find solace in the Playdoh Fun Factory

I hate when my girlfriend  competes with me and brings her milkshake to my yard

I hate when my girlfriend competes with me and brings her milkshake to my yard

Writing with a highlighter makes everything seem more important #joshings

Writing with a highlighter makes everything seem more important

When bad things happen to good people, at least the better  and best people were spared

When bad things happen to good people, at least the better and best people were spared

Being an optimist  when you've got squat,  is highly disturbing

Being an optimist when you've got squat, is highly disturbing

If you want to slip into something more comfortable in the comfort zone, leave cashmere-lined banana peels lying around

If you want to slip into something more comfortable in the comfort zone, leave cashmere-lined banana peels lying around

If egotism means a slavish  devotion to oneself, avoid  flinging yourself into a volcano to appease yourself

If egotism means a slavish devotion to oneself, avoid flinging yourself into a volcano to appease yourself

When you give love one more chance, it’s usually  a fat one

When you give love one more chance, it’s usually a fat one

Weaseling out of things means first going to the dry cleaners, to pick up my weasel suit

Weaseling out of things means first going to the dry cleaners, to pick up my weasel suit

When you have something up your sleeve, pray it doesn’t have tentacles

When you have something up your sleeve, pray it doesn’t have tentacles

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