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Look at this! I haven't seen anyone wearing anything like this. And it looks stellar with denim! That is almost all of my criteria, I'm done asking questions. I need this right now. Found on Etsy.
Crochet dress tunic hippie jumper sweater cardigan patchwork retro glamour-flower power vintage look-handmade crochet design- made to order. $405.00, via Etsy.