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I set my clock ahead to prevent being late...all it really does is sharpen my subtraction skills

i define wine not by it's age in years, but by it's price. Five dollars and under is fine with me.

Let's take a moment to discuss how making me angry means you'll have a bad day.

If you can't see the front of your bikini bottoms you should probably wear a one piece.. You're welcome.

Some days I'm rather convincing, in fact. ;)

Funny Cry for Help Ecard: Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.

Pretending to be a functioning adult is so exhausting.

Funny Thinking of You Ecard: Every couple goes through shit, but soulmates are the ones who come out of it holding hands and offering to buy each other a beer.

BHAHAHAAHA Especially with a husband who likes to roll himself into all the covers like a taco, and then elbows me in the face also while rolling into all the covers.

shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden

Nothing says "Let's celebrate America!" quite like drinking beer and playing with explosives.

What to do when your family is afraid of mice…