No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don't.
Sometimes you have to be shoved in and learn to swim as you are trying your toughest not to drown. Because you simply couldn't resist and you hadn't realized the ocean could be so deep, but you are glad all things considered that you decided to dive in.