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    JJ Keith
    • 2 years ago

    Why aim for perfect WHEN YOU CAN BE FUCKING ADEQUATE?

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    Yup, I wrote a motherfucking book. Get my tips for what to do at a Pinterest-perfect party (devour that delicious hand-molded octopus lollipop, drink whatever is in your mason jar, and do so with zeal, and rejoice that some people are willing/able to do this shit, even if you're not) and so much more! Remember: being a parent is awesome, even if you don't hand-embroider your baby's cloth diapers. P.S. Coming soon as an Audible audio download so multitaskers rejoice! #FuckYeah!

    What can I say? My family is comprised of crafting geniuses.

    Like this board? You may enjoy my fucking book, coming this September from Skyhorse Publishing. Are you an Aussie and you like this book? Look for "Stop Reading Baby Books" from Black Inc. Press, also in September. Same shit, but more words and fewer pictures.

    I #fucking love #ChristmasLights. BUT! I fucking hate hanging #ChristmasLights. The solution?Cafe-style lights -- 5 nails and #DONE.

    I don't like too much tacky shit on the family #tree. That's why my kids get their own damn tree where they can hang whatever fucking monstrosities they see fit. #WEALLWIN

    I know. Pumpkin patches are really cute. But holy fuck are pumpkins a lot cheaper at Trader Joe's! Bonus: NO FUCKING SCARECROWS. What is their problem, anyway?

    #Christmas is fucking great. BUT CHRISTMAS DOESN'T HAPPEN IN SEPTEMBER. Chill the fuck out, #Target. We can buy that crap in December as nature intended.

    Okay. I get cloth diapers. They're diapers made out of fucking cloth. Duh. BUT WHY DO CLOTH DIAPERING SUPPORT GROUPS EXIST?! Click the pic to go to my HuffPo article about #clothdiapering.

    If you never take #party #decorations down YOU NEVER HAVE TO PUT THEM UP AGAIN. #alwaysbelazy #alwaysbejaunty

    Put some #books up on your wall and then rotate that shit up SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET TIRED OF LOOKING AT THE SAME PICTURES. (Alternatively captioned: do a better fucking job than me matching paint colors.) #goldenbooks #rainbowumbrellaFTW!

    My children live to ruin shit, especially video game shit, SO I LOCK IT THE FUCK UP. #donttouchdiscslikethat #stopsuckingonthecontroller #justdonttouchthepowerbutton #itsnotatoyokaywellitisatoybutnotforyoutoplaywithlikethat

    #SPLASHPADS FTW! Suck it, drowning.

    Uses for pumped milk: Feeding a baby AND THAT'S IT

    Sure, you could get all fancy in the yard or you could eat on a regular fucking #picnictable and pretend that you're camping. #PICNICS ALL THE TIME!

    Buy cheap berries that are about to turn, a big tub of plain yogurt and then BAM! You got yourself some badass berry #yogurt.

    Do one less #bullshitchore in the morning and pack shelf-stable #lunch items a week in advance into one of them plastic stacky boxes from #Target or wherethefuckever.

    My kids can polish off a jar of pickles in a sitting, so we started making our own. Turns out #pickles, or at least #refrigeratorpickles, are #easyfuckingpeasy: boil water, spice and vinegar; dump the liquid on the cukes; then stuff those mofos in a fucking #masonjar and in a week you have yourself some cheap-ass pickles.

    It's a blurry fucking line between #bonding and #calmthefuckdownkid

    My bathroom is small as FUCK so I keep hair shit in #IKEA magnetic spice tins attached to an Ikea Knife Rack and my face shit in a Boon Stash AND THEN MY CRAP IS FUCKING TENABLE. #icanfindshit

    Princess Bubblegum FTW! #Idontcare #idonthavetosleepnexttoit #adventuretime

    #IKEA is my mothership. I EVEN LIKE TO ASSEMBLE SHIT!


    If you pay someone to carve a fake #pumpkin for you, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. (Thanks Susanna ) #Halloween #IncrediblyFuckingStupid

    Why aim for perfect WHEN YOU CAN BE FUCKING ADEQUATE?