i am sad when my food is over.
I'm going to use proper grammar on you until your clothes simply fall off.
Excuse me. Can you help me?
You're my best friend. Until you start calling me instead of texting. Then it's over between us.
Your relentless political postings on Facebook have finally convinced me to change my views... Said no one... Ever.
Sorry you weren't ready for me to start farting in front of you.
That moment when your stomach is craving a very specific food but you can't figure out what it is.
Bingo. Anyone interested?
I know you all love me.
Only an idiot wouldn't understand I'm being sarcastic. lol
...not that it's even a possibility.
The awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced that people actually think you are stupid. #INTJ
Thank you Pinterest for teaching me new words. #douchetard
Funny Friendship Ecard: Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and find out their profile is public, I'm like a kid in a candy store. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! Fucking hilarious
It's not drinking 'alone' if there are screaming children outside the closet door.
There are no winners when broccoli farts are involved.
What do we want? Time travel. When do we want it? It's irrelevant!
I may have over-trusted that fart.
Can Jewish zombies eat the brains of Kevin Bacon?
This reminds me of that highly inappropriate Siri joke I told my family. They all thought it was disturbingly funny on some level.